Say Something.

It sounds a little contradictory, but I learned a lot about myself as I've gotten so close with Mase.
Some good.
Some Bad.
But during the first week in February of 2014, I learned some things about myself that were especially revealing.
I learned that I do not have to endure every hardship by myself.
I learned that relationships are not one-sided.
I learned that love means revealing EVERY single imperfection and having someone love you despite them.
And,
I learned that I cannot shut people out of my life when things get hard.
But unfortunately...
I learned that the hard way.

It was one of those "climax" weeks in the semester. Where everything piled up on me and I felt as if I was suffocating.
I was working as hard as I could.
Planning a Relief Society Party.
Studying morning, noon and night for my tests.
Trying to balance school work with a social life.
And on that particular night as I looked at the dreaded testing centre score board...
I felt more than inadequate.

If anyone knows me, they know that my biggest fear in life is being inadequate.
I didn't realize it at the time, but I have now come to realize that these feelings and fears lead me to shut out the people in my life that mean the most to me. Maybe it's because I don't understand why they would want to be associated with such inadequacy. Maybe it's because I don't want to disappoint the ones I love most. I don't know what causes me to do this, but during this particular week in February I learned that this habit of mine is incredibly SELFISH.

I walked home that night feeling as cold as the February air. I locked myself in the bathroom the minute I got home because I knew no one could see the tears streaming down my face in the shower so I stayed there until they stopped.
Mason had been texting me throughout the day. At first I was so busy that I just didn't have time to respond. But then I just didn't want to respond.
I didn't want him to see me like that.
I didn't want to show my vulnerability.
It was too scary.
He kept messaging me. Worried. Confused. Unaware. I never responded. Eventually the next night I told him that I didn't want to talk to him in the mindset I was stuck in. I said he didn't deserve that. In my mind I was doing him a favour. However, the message I got back has changed my perspectives ever since.
"What I don't deserve is a day of you ignoring me and then a second day where nothing changes except saying that you just don't want to talk to anyone and that you will be fine the next day... I know how you sometimes get these thoughts and feelings and you can do whatever you want, I don't have control but it has sucked and it will continue to suck."

Reading this still makes my stomach drop.
It was exactly in that moment that I learned that this was about far more than just me and my trials.
My life now included someone else.
And I realized that if I did't change I could lose him.
It was one of the very few times that Mason and I ever struggled in our relationship, and although I never want to see him so hurt again, I do think it was also one of the most growing experiences in our relationship.
I learned a lot about love that day. 
And a lot about myself.